Chapter Two

Sat next to you and i thought butterflies in my tum-tum will start to flutter, however none of them started to move. I wasn’t sure what I was feeling or if I was feeling anything at all. The funny thing was neither of us moved, we were just there minding our own business and nothing was special – nothing. I wasn’t sad though, I was just there calm, peaceful and just being myself which is good, yes good! Good because finally I didn’t feel awkward about someone I actually like. I move, you move, we move then you left, I didn’t even notice. (lol!) All I want is for you to know that even if I don’t say anything and I don’t do anything – you mean the hell a lot to me. You may not see me as someone special, but the little things you do and say make my day, for that – thank you.

Helpless

God puts people in your life for a reason, and removes them from your life for a better reason. – (found in pinterest)

I saw this post and it struck a cord. It was a realization that I believe is long overdue. It’s funny how we get lost in all the madness and our reason lost in all the euphoria. I was lost for some time, I was blinded with what I thought was forever. Now, I am finally awake, not sure if I am back. I think I am still in transition, letting go of what could have been and to face what should be.

I am in transition.
I am not yet back.
I just want to be whole again.

Another leaf has fallen from the tree

Another leaf has fallen from the tree. 😦 We will miss another member of our extended family. It is never easy losing someone who you hold so dear. My Ate Cindy was diagnosed with stage 4 Breast Cancer 18 months ago, she was a fighter and she fought cancer well. It’s sad talking about her in the past tense, however, I know she’s better off in heaven – No more pain, no more suffering.

I will miss you ate. I will miss how you would call me “Mianess”. I will visit you later.

A shout out to my longest relationship, ever

A three-decade long relationship (and still counting) is definitely my longest relationship ever. I have always wondered if I can maintain relationship let alone be in one.

All these years I’ve wondered if someone will choose me and see me for who I am. Apparently, someone has been choosing me everyday since 1986, and someone sees me for who I am good AND bad. Still, she chooses me.

My boss told me once, you’ll know that you found the one, when you’re in deep sh*t and the first person you think about and call will drop everything their doing just to help you. Well, if you know me well, I have been in car accidents many times and there is always that one person who I call and would always take me out of the deep sh*t i am in.

Sometimes I forget to say thank you for the little things because I am too busy living my life, forgetting that a simple validation is the best gift ever.  However, I just want you to know that my world revolves around you and it pains me seeing you hurt. I may not express much but my love for you goes beyond life, time and space.

Thank you for always choosing us, for always being there for us and for just loving us regardless of our shortcomings. You are the light that have always guided us whenever life gets tough. We grew up to be warriors because we were inspired by you.

A loud shoutout to my longest relationship, ever. A special shoutout to my mother! The woman who inspires me to be strong. The woman who inspires me to love and love passionately. I am half of you and I am dang proud of it.

Happy Mothers day, Mommy! I love you! Forever and ever and ever!

Now, I am scared.

I hate being vulnerable. I believe that being strong means not showing much emotion and not disclosing any feeling that you have. I feel safe just being quiet and just sharing limited information about me. It’s easier and safer. I think.

I rarely share my inner thoughts and feelings and when I do, then you’re in for  a treat. A funny kind of treat, actually. There are times wherein I can’t contain the intensity of what I feel, that there is an immense need to share to someone. However, there is that constant fear of being discovered, being caught. Also, there is the fear that the secret might come out.

On the other hand, I also believe that the worst kind of agony is knowing. Knowing how strong your feelings are about something or someone ❤ and don’t know what to do with it. I am struggling.

The struggle and agony is real.

Hannah, who?

For a while that was something I struggled with because I didn’t know I wanted one more so if I needed one.

13 reasons why has taken bullying and suicide to whole new level. I was taken aback by how much pressure a young girl can face in high school and how a simple photo can ruin someone’s life. I strongly believe that we are responsible for our own actions, what ever it is that we’ve done whether wrong or right, we should be able to face the consequences. However, I believe that the sense of accountability is something that most teenagers lack nowadays, due to peer pressure and the fear of being ostracized. When I saw the show, it was a rude awakening that there are people who result to suicide instead of taking action for their traumatic experiences. Apparently, it’s better to kill oneself than to seek help, or sometimes we try to seek help but no one is listening, or maybe they are hearing our cries for help and not listening. We have to be reminded that the schools are the extensions of our homes, and teachers should be reminded that their students are humans not machines that should just keep on studying. Students spend more than half of their young lives learning, getting a decent education and socializing with other teenagers. Most of them survive, but scarred.

I was bullied when I was younger, and I think a part of me has not fully recovered to all they had to say about me. It wasn’t easy knowing that each day you have to face a pack of wolves who are ready to just feast on your weaknesses. It felt like I had to please them just to avoid the “beating” that follows. I was a victim when I shouldn’t be and I was in a position that I should not be in. If that was worse, you have yet to hear the worst. After being bullied, I turned into a bully myself. Something that I wasn’t very proud of and something that I wish I didn’t do. I preyed on the weak, even if I knew how it felt to be stalked and pounced at. I am lucky that none of them went Hannah on me, but I can only imagine how much pain I have caused them.

An apology can do wonders to people. However, there are times wherein we never get the apology we needed or wanted because one, they don’t see anything wrong with what they did and two, they just didn’t know what the hell they did. For a while that was something I struggled with because I didn’t know I wanted one more so if I needed one. Don’t get me wrong, I am better and I know I’ll be at my best in the years to come. I think Hannah just made me realize a lot of things, stuff that I have left on the back burner to simmer and hope to just dry out. I am not asking anything from anyone. I just want to fully close a chapter of my life that sometimes haunt me and sometimes get the best of me.

I hope that people will see Hannah as a perfect example of a girl misunderstood and a victim of all that is wrong in the teenage world. I hope that no other girl will ever go through what she did, and if they do get stuck in the same situation, I hope that someone finally listens to her screams and not to her tapes. We should all be advocates of a safe environment in schools, and we should all look after each other, that’s what women and humanity are supposed to do.

As individuals we may be vulnerable but as a society we can build bridges, heal wounds and push for change. Stop bullying and let the youth live their lives to the fullest.

It’s time to move on and let go

I have always wondered what it feels like to not see you. I would always ask myself if I can be brave enough to face each day without you there to greet me. Then I realized, its been a year since I last saw you and I have a feeling I won’t see anymore. It became more real to me that whatever it was that we have is done. I guess all that is left are memories, memories of all that was good and bad. It’s funny that I write this post in past tense, a part of me is longing for you. Longing for the feeling I always got when you’re around. The giggles and smiles I had just by talking and hanging out with you. You were a good reminder of my past. I just don’t want the past to dictate everything that is happening and will happen to me. I miss you, I still do. However, I know that at some point we have to let go and move on. Besides, if we were meant for each other, we could have done something about it. You could have done something about it. We were really good friends, I am just not sure if we were meant to be more than just – friends.

I wish you nothing but happiness. You deserve a life that is rich and full. You are a great man, i guess for someone else.